[ long over due ]

way too much of this blog has been devoted to my disastrous love life. if you can call it that... i've been dealing with a lot more drama than i've become accustomed to and i owe it all to that boy i once cared so much about. now don't get me wrong, i still have that irrational need to have him in my life. now however, i can recognize where those emotions and feelings are steaming from. a HUGE accomplishment. HUGE!!

i'm not a terribly proud person. what i mean to say is that i am not overly proud, i can take defeat, failure, etc, pretty well. this being said, i can attribute almost all of my issues with said boy to pride. i kept giving him chances, even when he didn't deserve them, over and over again, hoping he'd prove me right! he'd prove to me that i gave my heart to someone who deserved it! even though things didn't work out, i wasn't wrong to give my heart to him. but i was wrong, and i hate being proved wrong, especially about this. it may not seem like a major feat, but for me, it is. knowing now exactly why i keep giving him chances is empowering. the only downside is the immense disappointment flooding over me from the realization that he wasn't worth it, he didn't deserve my love or my friendship. i was wrong about him.

i'm hoping everything will be easier with this knowledge, this slap in the face. i've come to really dislike this boy in the last few months; in a way i didn't think was possible. i don't like these feelings but i hope they give me the push i need to really and truly move on once and for all. let it sink in: lauren... he. isn't. worth. it.

[ sunny days ]

today, though utterly unproductive has been pretty fantastic. since my full insurance will be up on sunday, i decided i needed a new pair of glasses. i mean, who knows the next time i'll have vision insurance? i don't. so i drove out to east jesus nowhere and picked out an adorable pair of new frames that will be mine in a week or so. very excited :) so instead of taking the highway home, i took the long way, and continued to drive aimlessly for some time. it's been such a long time since i've gone for a drive. just me and my car, frances. it felt good. music blaring, singing at the top of my lungs, just driving with no destination, no time schedule. i might [funds for gas permitting of course] have to do this more often. it feels fantastic.

[ telephone calls ]

he called today. oh man, it was SO good to hear his voice. it's been a little over seven weeks since we talked, and even longer since we've last seen each other. seven weeks doesn't sound like a very long time at all. we used to talk every day though, sometimes more than once. bah! i refuse to dwell. it was phenomenal talking with him today and i cannot wait until he comes home. i just hope we can see each other, even if it's only for an hour or so. keep your fingers crossed for me? yeah?

[ big dumb ninny ]

so much for being productive! i've been so bad this week, haven't gotten as much as i've wanted to done at all. although i have made small strides. made my last two doctor's appointments. found out i'm eligible for glasses before my insurance runs out. gone to the gym. once. oh drat!

i want to set a couple goals for the rest of this week. 1) get website working in dreamweaver 2) call my beloved andrea and beg her to walk me through hosting it 3) go to the gym every day! 4) write cover letter to amazing firms i've found in the last couple months (big, major, huge thing i need. nay. have to do. this one is a must!

get set. go!

p.s. how cute are these owls? image found on ffffound. i'm off to make myself a quesadilla. mayhaps i'll post again later. we'll see how much i get done! fingers crossed!

[ productive! ]

i hate wasting food. i made this tasty little breakfast sandwich about an hour and a half ago and have yet to eat it. lost all sense of appetite. harumph!

i can at the very least chalk my lack of appetite to being productive. whenever i get in the zone everything else falls to the wayside. appetite included. i made some pretty awesome strides today. balanced the old check book. paid all my bills. got my sister's confirmation letters up to the church. hung some things on my wall. and laid out three full pages of my new brand-spanking new website. then, due to pure idiocy on my part, lost everything i had created in illustrator. fuck. went to get the mail and came back to a crashed computer program. bah!

moving on. though i loved what i was doing, i hate illustrator of laying things out. it doesn't have the same kind of controls and guides indesign has. so though i have to restart basically, i can do it with more control, a closer comparison to the end result which i'll have to create in dreamweaver.

i've been listening to the glee soundtrack all day. i love it. for anyone who needs a free link to listen to all the songs they've done on the show, click here. hope you enjoy! i love this show! and i cannot wait for it to return in april! stupid american idol...

[ jello legs ]

did the gym thing yesterday. now i feel like jello. it's kind of a nice feeling; knowing my body has been worked and is now tired. when i was younger i was much more active. dancing, gymnastics, soccer, swimming, volleyball. not really an athlete, but i still did things to stay active. that came to a stand still when i started college. homework took over my life and the reality of being a poor college student didn't really allow a rigorous active lifestyle. i'm trying to fix that now.

had another dream about him last night. this brings the total up to six i believe. enough is enough subconscious. i get it, you're not ready to give up. but i am. one would think i could reconcile my inner feelings toward this boy, but i can't. he isn't in my thoughts as much, and i'm learning to breathe without him. but there is this little twitch in the back of my head, the back of my heart, that says, "hang on. don't give up."

some good news: my website is slowly getting off the ground. that's exciting. i want to have all the pages laid out in illustrator so next week i can get on dreamweaver and publish this bad boy. fingers crossed huh?

[ organization ]

a couple days into my new life and i am not doing as well as i had hoped. i really need to buckle down, get to the gym, work on the two projects i need to complete in the next two weeks. i have no excuses. no go!

awesome logo huh?