[ hello, my name's lauren. what's yours? ]

who knew life could get so hectic? and stressful? and bring happiness i haven't felt in longer than i'd care to fess up to? 

in the three months i've been back in columbus my entire world has changed. i don't think i could put it into words without sounding ridiculous, but know that the move back might be the best decision i've ever made. i wake up happy. every day. it's hard to be in a bad mood when there is so much in my life to be excited about. i live in an amazing house with two of my best friends. i have two jobs where i am respected and appreciated for my talents and my character. and i've met someone who has given me a sense of hope that's been completely lacking for the past two years. 

i'm very proud to say my happiness has been entirely my own. i found it by myself and within myself. it's true what they say about loving yourself before you can love someone else, or give someone else the chance to love you, in my case. alright... i'm on the verge of gushing. 

hopefully i'll get better at making time for my little blog!

[ september 15 ]

decision made. i'm moving to columbus effective september 15th. i have a place to live. but no job. i have friends there, some i've known for years, and others i can't wait to meet... oh hey lauren lankford! the stress surrounding this move has sucked all the joy out of it. but i am hoping that as time goes, and the move gets closer, that giddy-sick feeling in the pit of my stomach will return. 

my last blog was focused on feeling damaged and crazy. although i want to take those feelings and really learn from them and understand them, they weren't wrong. and i hate that. this guy that i had been seeing was in fact seeing someone else too. "one-woman-man" my ass. turns out my instinct is a lot more perceptive than i give it credit for. on the other hand, my eternal optimism and hope that people aren't ass hats, is starting to harm more than it helps. it's such a conflict! become jaded and hard? or keep this hope, this optimism that there are good people out there?

i'm working on so many things right now. little projects that, well, they make me smile. big projects like this move. and some attention to this blog. i really want to start and daily, or weekly series of blogs that i can share with you all. i'll keep everyone posted. 

[ reckless ]

sums me up quite nicely i believe. it seems like when i finally have things back on track i completely derail.  it's one of my most obnoxious traits. after a bad break-up, i don't think anyone can be certain exactly how they will be effected. i know i had no clue. turns out i'm a lot more damaged than i ever could imagine. even though i feel stupid saying this, and it's not at all the same thing, i was minorly abused by the one i love. it's not the kind of abuse you can see or even talk about, it's the kind where the evidence shows up long after the damage is done. the core of me, more or less, has been altered due to his actions toward me. and now? now i feel like a crazy. reading way more into something than i should. assuming feelings that aren't there. all the things i did to compensate for being treated badly. what have i done to myself? 

onto more pleasant business. literally. i am in the executive decision making business now. i've put my life on hold for long enough. i've cleaned my wounds and patched myself up the best i can, and now it's time to move on. i've been pretending for a long time now that home is where i belong. that erie had enough to hold me. i love my home, but i can't stay here any more. i've made up my mind and i'm moving back to columbus. now i have to figure out when! 

oh, p.s. i do realize the contradictory nature of those last lines in the picture above and my previous statements! 

[ devotion ]

i think i'm going to make a conscious effort to be better at this. i recently read elsie's 5 tips for bloggers over on her blog, a beautiful mess, and have become incredibly inspired. i really want this to be the jumping off point to this whole re-birth thing that's more or less happening to me. 

i'll be back later tonight, fingers crossed, with some more updates! 

[ new spaces ]

these past few weeks have been insanely hectic. primarily because i got to cross another item off my "23 before i'm 24" list.... PURCHASE A NEW DESK!! who would have thought that a new desk could change my outlook on life? i mean look at her, she's pretty impressive. 

along with this fancy shmancy desk, i also purchased a new and improved desk lamp, and a couple egg-shaped containers for my pens, pencils, markers, etc... it's a weird feeling to be honest, i feel like i've got a completely new lease on life! which is a weird effect for a desk to have on a girl. but i guess that's just how intense i feel about a good working environment. everything feels fresh and possible and it's completely contagious! i've made so much progress on a couple projects i can't wait to share! 

[ fail ]

the month of march was not good to me. after a long over due trip to columbus, ohio, i suffered a crippling head cold for a couple weeks. after recovering from this nasty bit of sickness my great grandpa t's health started spiraling. my grandma goes out to visit him everyday, and i took to the practice as well. she'd pick me up and we'd go out together. i was her support system i guess? i don't know how much support i gave her, but it seemed to be a little easier on her with me there. plus i could provide comedic relief when she would brush his dentures... so gross.

i applied for a job with a company in boulder, colorado last month too. here are some pictures of what i created for them:

i made a "mini-portfolio" to send to them, did a french fold of the portfolio pages, and made covers out of a gray wool and leather. it was the first creative thing i've done since graduating and i couldn't be happier with the way it turned out! i also created another pattern for the back of my resume/cover letters. i've jumped on the plaid trend hard, as you can tell by the back of my cover letter...

[ a spark of madness ]

so after a week and a half of being a lazy piece of garbage, i am putting myself back on track, and back on a schedule. too be a little less harsh on myself, it was a medical issue that kept me in a general state of lazy, but never the less! i am back!so to kick things off i am going on a "applying for jobs & working on my brand" kick. until my website is done i am taking my URL off my resume. i refuse to put off this next chapter in my life for something i may never finish. doesn't make sense. i'm not giving up on the site, still going to work on it, just not going to have it be my primary focus. i'll work on it when i'm inspired and up for battling dreamweaver. end of discussion.

i think a lot of this has to do with my bestest of friends. she's working on getting out of a bad work environment and while i don't necessarily have a work environment at all, i do need to get on with my life.i can't keep doing what i'm doing. no matter how comfortable i could be doing this well... forever...

i know i've said this before, but i think my trip to columbus this upcoming weekend will reinforce my resolve to get my life back together. fingers crossed shall we?

here are some lovelies i've had my eyes on:

a marie antoinette inspired photo shoot:

this modest mouse poster:

and these AMAZING alphabet cups!

[ big dumb ninny ]

so much for being productive! i've been so bad this week, haven't gotten as much as i've wanted to done at all. although i have made small strides. made my last two doctor's appointments. found out i'm eligible for glasses before my insurance runs out. gone to the gym. once. oh drat!

i want to set a couple goals for the rest of this week. 1) get website working in dreamweaver 2) call my beloved andrea and beg her to walk me through hosting it 3) go to the gym every day! 4) write cover letter to amazing firms i've found in the last couple months (big, major, huge thing i need. nay. have to do. this one is a must!

get set. go!

p.s. how cute are these owls? image found on ffffound. i'm off to make myself a quesadilla. mayhaps i'll post again later. we'll see how much i get done! fingers crossed!

[ productive! ]

i hate wasting food. i made this tasty little breakfast sandwich about an hour and a half ago and have yet to eat it. lost all sense of appetite. harumph!

i can at the very least chalk my lack of appetite to being productive. whenever i get in the zone everything else falls to the wayside. appetite included. i made some pretty awesome strides today. balanced the old check book. paid all my bills. got my sister's confirmation letters up to the church. hung some things on my wall. and laid out three full pages of my new brand-spanking new website. then, due to pure idiocy on my part, lost everything i had created in illustrator. fuck. went to get the mail and came back to a crashed computer program. bah!

moving on. though i loved what i was doing, i hate illustrator of laying things out. it doesn't have the same kind of controls and guides indesign has. so though i have to restart basically, i can do it with more control, a closer comparison to the end result which i'll have to create in dreamweaver.

i've been listening to the glee soundtrack all day. i love it. for anyone who needs a free link to listen to all the songs they've done on the show, click here. hope you enjoy! i love this show! and i cannot wait for it to return in april! stupid american idol...

[ jello legs ]

did the gym thing yesterday. now i feel like jello. it's kind of a nice feeling; knowing my body has been worked and is now tired. when i was younger i was much more active. dancing, gymnastics, soccer, swimming, volleyball. not really an athlete, but i still did things to stay active. that came to a stand still when i started college. homework took over my life and the reality of being a poor college student didn't really allow a rigorous active lifestyle. i'm trying to fix that now.

had another dream about him last night. this brings the total up to six i believe. enough is enough subconscious. i get it, you're not ready to give up. but i am. one would think i could reconcile my inner feelings toward this boy, but i can't. he isn't in my thoughts as much, and i'm learning to breathe without him. but there is this little twitch in the back of my head, the back of my heart, that says, "hang on. don't give up."

some good news: my website is slowly getting off the ground. that's exciting. i want to have all the pages laid out in illustrator so next week i can get on dreamweaver and publish this bad boy. fingers crossed huh?

[ organization ]

a couple days into my new life and i am not doing as well as i had hoped. i really need to buckle down, get to the gym, work on the two projects i need to complete in the next two weeks. i have no excuses. no go!

awesome logo huh?