[ conflict ]

it's been awhile. i thought i'd be better at this.

i've been broken up for almost a year from the boy i love. i keep thinking it will get better. it doesn't. i come to a point where i recognize growth, change, a readiness to move on, and then i am taken back, but never completely.

he's leaving. gone for two months with no form of communication. we haven't gone a whole week without talking in some form. not once in three years. it makes me sick to think about. i want to cherish the time i have left with him, but he's so far. i know that this forced time apart will be good. will help. but everything is easier when he's with me. it is the unknown that scares me. i don't know how i'll cope without him. my best friend. my love.

enough for now. i can't open these feelings tonight, this morning.

things will be better tomorrow.

[ quasi-renewed spirit ]

there is nothing like live music to awaken my spirit.

i wish i could bottle that feeling up, keep it in storage, and bring it out when i need a small dose of amazement and inspiration. would do wonders for my attitude these days.

the weekend flew by, as does all my free time it feels. i don't like that this one is so divided. on one hand it was really good, i learned things i needed to in order to get on with my life. on the other hand... learning that lesson has left me emotionally crippled. i fell in love with my best friend. awhile ago we broke up. getting over him has proved much easier said then done. i probably sound ridiculous.

this weekend progress was made. i realized that the person i know versus the person i fell in love with, are no longer one in the same. a truly painful and heartbreaking realization. the guy i love isn't there anymore, or at least, is a small fraction of the person i know now. it's bittersweet; it's easier for me anyway, to love a memory, but much harder at the same time to know the person i gave my whole heart to is slowly disappearing.

what's a girl to do?

[ two of my favorite things ]

two of my favorite things: wood grain and ceramics. porcelain to be exact. *swoon*

[ chocolate before bed ]

my mother has always told me not to eat or drink anything chocolate before bed because i would have weird dreams. at 22, still not having a funky dream due to chocolate consumption, i was weary to believe her. however last night, after celebrating my baby sister's birthday with a round of chocolate cup cakes at midnight, i am a newly devoted believer that chocolate messes with your sub conscious when devoured late at night.

several months ago i cut my right index knuckle while washing a glass cup. big, oozing, deep cut to my hand. no good. no fun. last night i dreamt that my cut that i've had for months got infected, and the more i swung my arms the more infected it got. and i was dying. this small cut and this small infection would be the death of me. my mother, both a nurse in real life, and a nurse in my dream broke the news.

i am never eating/drinking chocolate anything before i go to sleep.

[ let me introduce myself ]

oh hey.

so, i'm lauren and i have no idea why i created this.

i'm hoping something will come from it, inspiration, support, anything really.

i'll be posting things that inspire me, help me, and make me laugh.

i hope you enjoy.