[ holy neck cramp batman ]

wowziers. i've never felt this before... definitely not a good thing. my head feels so heavy, and my neck doesn't feel like it can support it. i kid you not, holding my head up, you know, like a normal person, is actually hurting me. kind of making me sick too. oh, this is not good.

this has been a very weird day. it started off weird. i had a dream about him last night. i generally don't dream about specific people, and even more rarely remember my dreams. this was the kind of dream that was so realistic i woke up not knowing if it really happened or not. not good for the progress i thought i was making. he was the boy i fell in love with in my dream, not his current personality. i'm not sure which is worse.

i woke up missing him, a feeling i haven't felt in a really long time. i miss him, generally speaking i miss him, but it's not a constant anymore, not the ever present hole in my chest, the wound is healing, it isn't a fresh cut, and that

feels nice. it's almost as if i woke up this morning in love with

him, and then the past 14 months came flooding back; more pain and more missing him. not a good way to start the day in my opinion.

i'm ready for 5 o'clock. i'm so antsy and impatient. time is moving so slow! here are some images that have helped me pass the time (i'll add credits when i can find them...forgive my lack of organization for the moment!):

[ good grief ]

holy smokes. i am really not very good at this!

i'm trying to organize my life much better once the holiday craziness is over. designate time for everything i want to do or get done and really commit to it too. i joined a gym over the weekend. which is completely fruitless seeing i have one working foot right now. but i want to get back in shape. i'd like to tone up and feel better, more alive. starting the week before christmas might have been a bad move as well, i mean serious... EVERYONE has a million things to do, myself included... why not add the gym to that list? why not?

i cannot wait for this long weekend to start! my job, even though it's completely awful, gives us 2 paid days for both christmas and new years. so even though this place kind of makes my skin crawl... i am so grateful for these two four day weekends i have coming up! for sure a good time to get started on all these projects i want to do and books i want to read!

an update: he's been gone for almost two weeks. two whole weeks without talking to him. this is officially the longest we've gone without speaking in the three years we've known each other. ultimately this will be good for me. i have to get him out of my system if i want any chance of moving on and meeting someone new. but until then, i am numb. i think it could be one of two things: i can either be missing him so much i've gone numb, or i don't feel as much towards him as i used to. i'm sure there are more than these two options, but right now, these are the two staring me in the face. both make me uncomfortable. so i'm ignoring it for now.

here are some images from a s

ite i stumbled upon this morning: http://www.aloveletterforyou.com/

made my heart melt :) enjoy!

[ stagnate ]

i sorta fell like i'm loosing my mind. everyday i find so much inspiration and creative mojo, all i want to do is work on my own stuff. but alas, i am at work...wasting away.

there is a small chance i am suffering from reoccuring anxiety attacks. granted, my findings are from web md, so who knows how credible that self diagnosis is. i have a hard time settling on anxiety attacks because my life isn't really stressful. work has next to no stress involved. my family life is good, friends are good, well with one exception; little to no stress? so what gives? i also refuse to let his departure be the cause of all this. i mean, he's a big deal...too big a deal, but the source of my stress? i can't let him mean that much. i won't.

even if mentally, i'm not doing so hot, i've made an early resolution to myself to get in the positive. i've been a huge debbie downer lately, and i'm tired of it. i can't stand hearing myself talk about my life, so, from this moment on, i am taking a more active role in my life. yeah, i'm not in the ideal spot, but that doesn't mean i can't make the most of my time here. i want to be happy again, and i want that happiness to be contingent on only one factor. me.

there is a lot i want to do. a lot of things i think will make me happier if i can accomplish while trying to change my situation. so i made this...again, thanks to elsie from a beautiful mess. i want to try and do as many, if not all of them. i think...i hope this will help...

[ yarn & berries ]

i found these christmas trees all over the internet yesterday and i had to make some for myself. they are so adorable!

here's the link to the tutorial...

http://pretty-ditty.blogspot.com/2009/12/yarn-christmas-trees-tutorial.html

[ a little heavy ]

who did a pin point of my life and didn't tell me? fess up.

things were looking good. until this weekend that is. i honest to goodness thought he and i could pull it off; he'd leave and we'd be on phenomenal terms, best of friends, wanting to be in each other's lives for the long haul. silly.

with a train wreck of a personal life and no real direction as of yet in my professional life, i have taken a semi-permanent stance as a hermit and will be catching up on all the shows i've missed due to school. i'm starting my time out from life with all six, seven really, seasons of the office; which as it turns out is a brilliant way to put a smile on my face and take my mind off things with a certain boy.

also, with a special thanks to elise from a beautiful mess i've made a list of 23 things to do before i'm 24... well, rather i'm in the middle of making such a list. but!! i'm really excited for it. i NEED to start doing things for myself, things to make me happy and make my time in my personal purgatory a little more cheerful and a ton more crafty. i would like to take things away from this time being home. positive things, so this year isn't a black whole of my life. good grief.

[ inspiration ]

since i am stuck in my current situation indefinitely, i have to make the best of it. if i don't, things could get ugly quick; the bad out weights the good at the moment and i refuse to see clearly. i found this adorable necklace in my quest for things to fill my overwhelmingly free time.

http://aromysoriginals.blogspot.com/2009/09/knotty-knitted-necklace-tutorial.html

picking up materials to start on it tonight, and i must say...i'm pretty excited. i really fell in love with her braided version of the necklace, however i'm a hot mess when it comes to measuring things out like her directions call for. could be a very interesting weekend.

[ so not good at this ]

dedication to this thing is clearly something i lack.

a newfound zest to share my thoughts has brought me back, hopefully for longer than a 3-post stint... i am gearing up for, what has the potential to be, a very painful separation. this goes without saying, but i'm not looking forward to it. i am hoping with his departure, i can finally settle down and really dedicate myself to moving on. new job. new town. new chance at life. both of these events are destined to happen, he is contractually bound, and i cannot stay here much longer without putting my sanity and general well being in serious jeopardy.

but where to go? i have fantasy lives all over the world, but such an extreme distance from my family terrifies me. cities like boulder, portland, and raleigh have all been very appealing to me, interestingly enough, one for each zone...east, west, and middle. but were do i go? how does one make a decision like this? completely uproot and move somewhere new? i've done it once for school, however that's one hell of a safety net. there are no safety nets that i can see in this situation.

more to come...but for now, here is one of my favorite images i've come across in the last few weeks.

[ conflict ]

it's been awhile. i thought i'd be better at this.

i've been broken up for almost a year from the boy i love. i keep thinking it will get better. it doesn't. i come to a point where i recognize growth, change, a readiness to move on, and then i am taken back, but never completely.

he's leaving. gone for two months with no form of communication. we haven't gone a whole week without talking in some form. not once in three years. it makes me sick to think about. i want to cherish the time i have left with him, but he's so far. i know that this forced time apart will be good. will help. but everything is easier when he's with me. it is the unknown that scares me. i don't know how i'll cope without him. my best friend. my love.

enough for now. i can't open these feelings tonight, this morning.

things will be better tomorrow.

[ quasi-renewed spirit ]

there is nothing like live music to awaken my spirit.

i wish i could bottle that feeling up, keep it in storage, and bring it out when i need a small dose of amazement and inspiration. would do wonders for my attitude these days.

the weekend flew by, as does all my free time it feels. i don't like that this one is so divided. on one hand it was really good, i learned things i needed to in order to get on with my life. on the other hand... learning that lesson has left me emotionally crippled. i fell in love with my best friend. awhile ago we broke up. getting over him has proved much easier said then done. i probably sound ridiculous.

this weekend progress was made. i realized that the person i know versus the person i fell in love with, are no longer one in the same. a truly painful and heartbreaking realization. the guy i love isn't there anymore, or at least, is a small fraction of the person i know now. it's bittersweet; it's easier for me anyway, to love a memory, but much harder at the same time to know the person i gave my whole heart to is slowly disappearing.

what's a girl to do?

[ two of my favorite things ]

two of my favorite things: wood grain and ceramics. porcelain to be exact. *swoon*

[ chocolate before bed ]

my mother has always told me not to eat or drink anything chocolate before bed because i would have weird dreams. at 22, still not having a funky dream due to chocolate consumption, i was weary to believe her. however last night, after celebrating my baby sister's birthday with a round of chocolate cup cakes at midnight, i am a newly devoted believer that chocolate messes with your sub conscious when devoured late at night.

several months ago i cut my right index knuckle while washing a glass cup. big, oozing, deep cut to my hand. no good. no fun. last night i dreamt that my cut that i've had for months got infected, and the more i swung my arms the more infected it got. and i was dying. this small cut and this small infection would be the death of me. my mother, both a nurse in real life, and a nurse in my dream broke the news.

i am never eating/drinking chocolate anything before i go to sleep.

[ let me introduce myself ]

oh hey.

so, i'm lauren and i have no idea why i created this.

i'm hoping something will come from it, inspiration, support, anything really.

i'll be posting things that inspire me, help me, and make me laugh.

i hope you enjoy.