[ cap city : the after show ]

columbus ohio. a home of sorts for four years during college. i came to life in that city; really woke up to the person i wanted to become, and started working and growing towards being her. a major problem in discovering so much about yourself and growing into a different person is not fitting into that box you so comfortably lived in for so long.

i've run into this head on. my hometown isn't enough for me anymore. how awful does that sound? incredibly awful. it's the truth, no matter how i try to disguise it, how i try to belittle it, i can't deny it.

i'm well aware that the only thing truly keeping me here is my family. i recently read kelly cutrone's book, "if you have to cry go outside" and it really opened my eyes. it's a great book. honestly. if you're looking for some inspiration in your life, read it. you won't be disappointed. but after reading it i've made a pact with myself. if this new job doesn't work out by the end of the year i am moving. that's right. packing up all my belonging and leaving my security blanket to try and find some peace and happiness. sound like a plan?

[ big dumb ninny ]

so much for being productive! i've been so bad this week, haven't gotten as much as i've wanted to done at all. although i have made small strides. made my last two doctor's appointments. found out i'm eligible for glasses before my insurance runs out. gone to the gym. once. oh drat!

i want to set a couple goals for the rest of this week. 1) get website working in dreamweaver 2) call my beloved andrea and beg her to walk me through hosting it 3) go to the gym every day! 4) write cover letter to amazing firms i've found in the last couple months (big, major, huge thing i need. nay. have to do. this one is a must!

get set. go!

p.s. how cute are these owls? image found on ffffound. i'm off to make myself a quesadilla. mayhaps i'll post again later. we'll see how much i get done! fingers crossed!

[ jello legs ]

did the gym thing yesterday. now i feel like jello. it's kind of a nice feeling; knowing my body has been worked and is now tired. when i was younger i was much more active. dancing, gymnastics, soccer, swimming, volleyball. not really an athlete, but i still did things to stay active. that came to a stand still when i started college. homework took over my life and the reality of being a poor college student didn't really allow a rigorous active lifestyle. i'm trying to fix that now.

had another dream about him last night. this brings the total up to six i believe. enough is enough subconscious. i get it, you're not ready to give up. but i am. one would think i could reconcile my inner feelings toward this boy, but i can't. he isn't in my thoughts as much, and i'm learning to breathe without him. but there is this little twitch in the back of my head, the back of my heart, that says, "hang on. don't give up."

some good news: my website is slowly getting off the ground. that's exciting. i want to have all the pages laid out in illustrator so next week i can get on dreamweaver and publish this bad boy. fingers crossed huh?

[ a little heavy ]

who did a pin point of my life and didn't tell me? fess up.

things were looking good. until this weekend that is. i honest to goodness thought he and i could pull it off; he'd leave and we'd be on phenomenal terms, best of friends, wanting to be in each other's lives for the long haul. silly.

with a train wreck of a personal life and no real direction as of yet in my professional life, i have taken a semi-permanent stance as a hermit and will be catching up on all the shows i've missed due to school. i'm starting my time out from life with all six, seven really, seasons of the office; which as it turns out is a brilliant way to put a smile on my face and take my mind off things with a certain boy.

also, with a special thanks to elise from a beautiful mess i've made a list of 23 things to do before i'm 24... well, rather i'm in the middle of making such a list. but!! i'm really excited for it. i NEED to start doing things for myself, things to make me happy and make my time in my personal purgatory a little more cheerful and a ton more crafty. i would like to take things away from this time being home. positive things, so this year isn't a black whole of my life. good grief.