[ autumn! ]

can anyone believe it's september already? i feel like this summer flew by at warp speed. although the weather hasn't gotten the memo yet. this week has been hotter than most of the month of august. and the humidity! walking outside is miserable. the air feels so heavy and stagnate. 

the count down is on... two weeks from today and i'll be a resident of columbus ohio again! my nerves are killing me! 

[ reckless ]

sums me up quite nicely i believe. it seems like when i finally have things back on track i completely derail.  it's one of my most obnoxious traits. after a bad break-up, i don't think anyone can be certain exactly how they will be effected. i know i had no clue. turns out i'm a lot more damaged than i ever could imagine. even though i feel stupid saying this, and it's not at all the same thing, i was minorly abused by the one i love. it's not the kind of abuse you can see or even talk about, it's the kind where the evidence shows up long after the damage is done. the core of me, more or less, has been altered due to his actions toward me. and now? now i feel like a crazy. reading way more into something than i should. assuming feelings that aren't there. all the things i did to compensate for being treated badly. what have i done to myself? 

onto more pleasant business. literally. i am in the executive decision making business now. i've put my life on hold for long enough. i've cleaned my wounds and patched myself up the best i can, and now it's time to move on. i've been pretending for a long time now that home is where i belong. that erie had enough to hold me. i love my home, but i can't stay here any more. i've made up my mind and i'm moving back to columbus. now i have to figure out when! 

oh, p.s. i do realize the contradictory nature of those last lines in the picture above and my previous statements! 

[ such a joke ]

so... in my attempt to "be better at this" i utterly failed. maybe i'm too busy for this? maybe i'm too tired for this? i don't know. i need to reassess what i'm doing with my time and how to better manage it. 

i want my hair to be this long. or a little shorter. 

image found : www.ffffound.com

[ holy neck cramp batman ]

wowziers. i've never felt this before... definitely not a good thing. my head feels so heavy, and my neck doesn't feel like it can support it. i kid you not, holding my head up, you know, like a normal person, is actually hurting me. kind of making me sick too. oh, this is not good.

this has been a very weird day. it started off weird. i had a dream about him last night. i generally don't dream about specific people, and even more rarely remember my dreams. this was the kind of dream that was so realistic i woke up not knowing if it really happened or not. not good for the progress i thought i was making. he was the boy i fell in love with in my dream, not his current personality. i'm not sure which is worse.

i woke up missing him, a feeling i haven't felt in a really long time. i miss him, generally speaking i miss him, but it's not a constant anymore, not the ever present hole in my chest, the wound is healing, it isn't a fresh cut, and that

feels nice. it's almost as if i woke up this morning in love with

him, and then the past 14 months came flooding back; more pain and more missing him. not a good way to start the day in my opinion.

i'm ready for 5 o'clock. i'm so antsy and impatient. time is moving so slow! here are some images that have helped me pass the time (i'll add credits when i can find them...forgive my lack of organization for the moment!):